04: Escape from Artcatraz
For those tuning into the latest chapter of Art Cetera, “Escape from Art-catraz,” David Zaslav is a villain. A ruthless warden of a satirical creative arts prison, hellbent on shaping the media landscape to his will.
The real life David Zaslav, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery, has also been this villain. To me and the thousands of other creatives that call Los Angeles home and who were lucky enough to find work and purpose in the entertainment industry. The last several years have been a nonstop dust-up that has not been kind to us, in large part because these kinds of gangsters keep gambling the livelihoods of my friends and colleagues.
And just when there were starting to be signs of it turning around, or at least not so turbulent, here’s news of Netflix making a $82.7 Billion bid for Warner Bros.
The options look grim whoever ends up buying it. There’s seemingly no way to sell a massive studio like Warner Bros. without creating a dangerous media consolidation. And if the government cares as much about anti-trust law as it has lately for intellectual property law being fed into the AI-shredder, there’s no reason to think they’ll block the merger.
Which is why David Zaslav should sell Warner Bros. to me.
Sure, Mr. Zaslav and I have had our differences—I’ve made him the main antagonist in my comic strip and he doesn’t know who I am—but why should those minor quibbles get in the way of such an inspired choice? Now, Mr. Zaslav, I know Netflix is promising $82.7 Billion, but would you consider selling it to me for nothing?
Here are the facts:
- I will prevent a Netflix remake of Citizen Kane.
- I will rebuild the company in the image I imagined it to be when I was 10-years-old. (See: Animaniacs)
- It doesn’t need government approval (I assume. I imagine it like a Wonka-type of situation where I buy the studio for the equivalent of a stolen Everlasting Gobstopper.)
- The move would be as random as every other business decision David Zaslav has made in the last several years.
- Speed Racer 2 and 3 are immediately green-lit.
Think about it. Destiny awaits.
Also, I could really use a job right now.
World famous artists, Litchfield and Malaprop, are siblings that run an award winning art collective, known for its groundbreaking works into the avant-garde.